The Anti-Valentine's Day

I couldn’t let Valentine’s pass without writing a blog, it’s pretty much expected. However, this one isn’t going to be the quintessential, bitter Valentine’s Day-is-complete-crap blog. I actually enjoy the holiday. It has never been associated with that much romance for me though. With the exception of a couple years, boyfriend or no, I celebrated the day with friends. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some boyfriends who have made the day special for me in a lot of ways, but my most memorable ones had nothing to do with the romantic love that has come to be expected of the day.

In elementary it meant stuffing Valentines into boxes decorated with cut-out hearts, paper doilies and pink and red glitter. When junior high rolled around, I anticipated getting dressed up and going to awkward dances and socializing with my friends on the bleachers of the gym turned dance hall. While I was in high school I spent the day watching sappy chick flicks and eating junk food at Lindsey Schmidt’s house.

In most recent years, I’ve turned the day into a celebration of my girlfriends. We pamper ourselves, have a nice dinner together and enjoy a few drinks and great conversation at various bars around town. I’ve really come to look forward to getting dressed up and spending the day with vibrant women who impact my life. I don’t even feel that we do it to combat bitterness or loneliness; it’s just a good reason for us to add a little occasion to spending time with each other.

I’ve never really felt that my singleness is thrown in my face on this day. In fact, I don’t think it is anything less than a blessing at this point in my life. I am facing some major life changes and some great opportunities that I wouldn’t be able to take advantage of if I were tied down. I also wouldn’t have the confidence to push myself to take on these new challenges if it weren’t for some of the amazing women I call my friends. For that reason, it seems completely natural to celebrate with them this year. So, to all the women (and some men too ;-)) in my life who encourage and stand by me, Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Duplicity of Security

For some people, marriage means security. I’ve contemplated this and, in some circumstances, the security blanket that a husband can offer would come in handy. I have colleagues who have been able to quit jobs with nothing on the horizon because they weren’t happy. Losing your job involuntarily is also a lot less terrifying when you aren’t the only bread winner in the house. On the flipside, I’ve seen people let this security lull them into a complacency that sucks the drive right out of them.

I’ve noticed this to be especially true of women who lack a sense of direction. When there is no sense of urgency to cultivate a path of one’s own because the financial necessity is removed from the need for a career path, it is easy to settle for less than one’s full potential. In some cases it isn’t about having no desire for a career, it’s about caring about someone so much that his career goals become more important than your own.

It’s not that all women in committed relationships ignore their professional paths. It’s just that, when in love, even the most motivated of women can quickly fall into the role of the supportive female who sacrifices everything for her husband’s career. As a single person, I have the luxury of focusing all of my time and efforts on advancing my own career. I can move across the country for a promising job without a second thought about uprooting someone else’s life. I can pour my energy into professional groups, current job and networking events without feeling guilty about neglecting someone.

Moments of Weakness

I’m usually very happy with my single life. I have a job that allows me to do what I love. I have amazing friends, and I couldn’t ask for a better family. However, there are moments when I miss having a relationship. When things go wrong at work or I have a disagreement with a friend, I wish I had someone to cheer me up or just hold me until things got better. Sometimes life gets stressful and I long for a partner to share my burdens.

I actually feel ashamed of myself when I get in these moods. I know I should be grateful for everything I have, because I am truly blessed. I also don’t want to be the girl who needs a man by her side in order to be happy. During times like these, it helps me to realize I am not the only person in this position. I think, single or not, we all feel alone sometimes. When I’m in these funks, it is often my instinct to dwell and seclude myself from the world. This only serves to make the situation worse.

The best way to cope is to force myself to go out with friends or throw my energy into reaching my goals. This serves to refocus my attention on the positive things in my life rather than what I am lacking romantically. I realize that no matter what I do to ward against loneliness, it will hit me from time to time. I think it is in our nature to want a significant other to be there for us in our weakest moments. It’s how we handle these moments that determines whether the loneliness is going to define us or fuel us to become stronger people.